Our political masters and mistresses in Labour Lambeth are nothing if not thin skinned. Even a mild jibe in this blog to the effect that some of them are 'unemployed or unemployable' provokes a torrid attack from the only one of the 39 Labour councillors who failed to vote in the May elections. Perhaps the real message here is that in the world of New Labour if voting changed anything they'd abolish it, or alternatively order a 'burglary' at the home of one of their political opponents.

For sheer brass neck, however, there's none better than our Member of Parliament here in the south-east of the borough who apparently sends text messages to her lunch guests at the Savoy quoting that old fraud Aneurin Bevan's saying that 'nothing is too good for the working class' before tucking into omelette Arnold Bennet followed by sea bream. No doubt the single mums of Gipsy Hill Ward will identify with their rather more well-heeled (Jimmy Choo) fellow single mum who has suddenly discovered where Vale Street is in the A to Z. The Culture Secertary has also been known to fail to show up at her surgeries from time to time while entrusting them to a former Labour councillor whose standard advice with difficult problems was to say - 'go and see the Conservative councillors tomorrow morning because they will have the answer.'

The most remarkable thing about the Culture Secretary, apart from her insider knowledge of the Italian penal system and the Camden property market, is that in all her years as an MP she has never once called any meeting with the 12 Conservative councillors in her constituency. Here in the south east of the borough, we know of many MPs of all parties who maintain good two-way communication with all their councillors most notably from the right the late Eric Forth MP, that centre right stalwart of the Kennington Tandoori the Rt Hon Kenneth Clarke QC MP, and even the left leaning Mr Simon Hughes. Our MP, who comes curiously from a Methodist tradition like our former Chief Executive, also asserts that Britain has one of the lowest rates of problem gambling in the world while going on to advocate having a super casino. Methodist churches by the way marry divorced people, because I remember being a page boy at a Methodist wedding in Hull when I was six years old. Not being a betting man, however, I'm unlikely to patronise a cheek by Jowell super casino although like many people of my age I know of marriages and families that have been broken up by gambling and not just in the fictional world of The Archers.

Unlike our MP I have also visited the State of Qatar and I'm unaware, thank God, of any terrorist attack that has happened in that country's capital city as she asserts in her interview with The New Statesman but then geography is not a strong subject for Labour Cabinet ministers. I do recall many years ago working as a journalist in the Gulf when the then Labour Foreign Secretary Jim Callaghan visited Doha in 1976 and read out a speech by accident that he actually meant to deliver later in the day in Abu Dhabi. I wasn't there but the British ambassador Dan Mcarthy gave me the lowdown - the last I heard he had been exiled to Fiji to conduct a survey into the price of cabbages.

Our citizens remain blissfully ignorant of the new priorities our masters are adopting as they head off to Manchester to say farewell to their dear leader. Tucked at the back of an obscure document from the Lambeth finance scrutiny commitee is a new budget priority to engage in lobbying. Given the large number of wannabe MPs in the 'Labour Class of 2006', it is perhaps surprising that they need to pay other people to spin on their behalf.

But, our citizens can take heart, because Labour is not having it all its own way. The newly Tory-controlled Association of London Government (ALG), soon to be called London Councils, is planning to slim down the GB pounds 40 million a year that is doled out to so-called pan-London voluntary organisations. The money was for years directed towards Labour councils by the Comrades. First indications are that around GB pounds 9 million will be cut, together with the hundreds of thousands of pounds a year wasted on the ALG's Brussels (sic) office.

In the meantime, Labour quangos such as Clapham Park Homes, which is planning to knock down huge swathes of the Clapham Park Estate, has been held to account by the Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) for misleading the public with posters. Vigilant Conservative campaigners in Thornton Ward lodged a complaint against Clapham Park Homes, which had used them to influence a 'yes vote' to its proposals by local residents.

Oh dear! In its adjudication, the ASA said the posters breached the agreed code of conduct for advertisers on the grounds of 'substantiation,' 'truthfulness,' and 'testimonials'. Surely, not porkie pies? The complaint was upheld. Now Clapham Park Homes, once championed by Streatham Labour MP Keith Hill, is being challenged for a judicial review by a Conservative activist in Thornton Ward.

Clapham Park Homes distinguished itself last year by seeking to get favourable treatment from the Council over its schemes for its area of operations instead of acting like any other developer. But, it is perhaps best known for hosting extravant Christmas parties at the Three Monkeys Restaurant in Herne Hill (very traditional fare there at Christingle or whatever they call it). No doubt the government considers this an apppropriate use of some the GB pounds 40 million of taxpayers' money allocated to Clapham Park Homes.

Democracy and clean drains. These were the principles on which our great Council was founded. It is a simple lesson of history, but one that seems lost on our good Comrades from the Labour Party who instead of concentrating on the basics always look to feather their nests instead. While they've been away for summer hols on the Costa del Sunshine, the decorators have been in repainting the walls of their administration suite of offices at the taxpayers' expense. In the meantime, my residents in Skiffington Close, Tulse Hill, have not had their bungalows repainted for 20 years. Even the ladies and gentlemen of the press (probably an oxymoron) have noticed the frenzy of furniture delivery vans arriving at Labour HQ in the Town Hall, commenting in today's South London Press that "it's got the chairs, its (sic) got the new paint job, now all it needs is the councillors most of which (sic) have not been seen or heard from since May." Our friends in the press are easily satisfied, especially with punctuation, if a little uncritical of Labour press releases, which they regularly swallow or hand to work experience hackettes.

But surely, it's the blue lot who are making the news. Redbridge, Enfield, Harrow and Ealing demonstrate that Conservatives can win in boroughs with an ethnically and religiously diverse population. But why don't we make progress in Haringey? Probably because our activist base has disappeared. One thing is clear: it is a myth to claim that Conservatives can only win in leafy suburbs and the smart streets of Zone One.

But enough of moralising about the state of the party. What town hall insiders really want is more analysis of the star players among the officers as indicated by the number of calls to my office from certain senior officers wanting to read their ratings on this blog. Here are some of my latest assessments, remembering that at all times I must show respect or be in breach of the code of conduct.

• Director of Legal Services (9/10) - star player signed from Peterborough who smiles a lot, but can play legal hard ball, especially when negotiating player transfers to other clubs. Mounted a great rear guard action after the 'cool as a cucumber' fraudster stole GB pounds 3 million from the housing directorate. The then Leader asked for a pile of bodies - and got one. Inspector Clouseau is still on the case.

• Director in Charge of Trade Unions (9/10) - there are so many titles that are the same that this is the best descriptor of a cool operator not afraid to get his hands dirty. The ulimate poacher turned gamekeeper who used to be a trade unionist himself although come to think of it I was once father of the chapel on the Burnley Express in the early 1970s.

• Acting Director of Housing (8/10) - a great appointment and one of the nicest people working for the Council. Not long in post so slightly marked down on track record. His charm melts the hardest of hearts, especially among our women colleagues. He makes ALMOs sound sexy so that's saying a lot about the triumph of hope over expectation.

And finally, it is a great pity that we are losing our head of communications who's off to take up a new posting in Brussels (or is it Strasbourg?). She once told me how proud she was about her Mum who was the only person in their street that supported a particular political party and was never afraid to display a lone poster at election time. Indeed, Lambeth is a great exporter of talented players with the House of Commons gaining such distinguished Lambeth alumni as John Major, Sir George Young, Ken Livingstone, Peter Mandelson, and more recently the new MP for Burnley Kitty Ussher. Others have tried and failed, including former Labour leader Jim Dickson who tried to win Ted Heath's old seat in 2001. However, this is the first time we've sent anyone to play for the European Commission. Perhaps a diaspora will follow. For more information go to the Vera Cruz cafe on Brixton Hill where top Labour staff gather daily for a modest cup-a-soup followed by fried liver and bacon enlivened with baked beans.