Democracy and clean drains. These were the principles on which our great Council was founded. It is a simple lesson of history, but one that seems lost on our good Comrades from the Labour Party who instead of concentrating on the basics always look to feather their nests instead. While they've been away for summer hols on the Costa del Sunshine, the decorators have been in repainting the walls of their administration suite of offices at the taxpayers' expense. In the meantime, my residents in Skiffington Close, Tulse Hill, have not had their bungalows repainted for 20 years. Even the ladies and gentlemen of the press (probably an oxymoron) have noticed the frenzy of furniture delivery vans arriving at Labour HQ in the Town Hall, commenting in today's South London Press that "it's got the chairs, its (sic) got the new paint job, now all it needs is the councillors most of which (sic) have not been seen or heard from since May." Our friends in the press are easily satisfied, especially with punctuation, if a little uncritical of Labour press releases, which they regularly swallow or hand to work experience hackettes.

But surely, it's the blue lot who are making the news. Redbridge, Enfield, Harrow and Ealing demonstrate that Conservatives can win in boroughs with an ethnically and religiously diverse population. But why don't we make progress in Haringey? Probably because our activist base has disappeared. One thing is clear: it is a myth to claim that Conservatives can only win in leafy suburbs and the smart streets of Zone One.

But enough of moralising about the state of the party. What town hall insiders really want is more analysis of the star players among the officers as indicated by the number of calls to my office from certain senior officers wanting to read their ratings on this blog. Here are some of my latest assessments, remembering that at all times I must show respect or be in breach of the code of conduct.

• Director of Legal Services (9/10) - star player signed from Peterborough who smiles a lot, but can play legal hard ball, especially when negotiating player transfers to other clubs. Mounted a great rear guard action after the 'cool as a cucumber' fraudster stole GB pounds 3 million from the housing directorate. The then Leader asked for a pile of bodies - and got one. Inspector Clouseau is still on the case.

• Director in Charge of Trade Unions (9/10) - there are so many titles that are the same that this is the best descriptor of a cool operator not afraid to get his hands dirty. The ulimate poacher turned gamekeeper who used to be a trade unionist himself although come to think of it I was once father of the chapel on the Burnley Express in the early 1970s.

• Acting Director of Housing (8/10) - a great appointment and one of the nicest people working for the Council. Not long in post so slightly marked down on track record. His charm melts the hardest of hearts, especially among our women colleagues. He makes ALMOs sound sexy so that's saying a lot about the triumph of hope over expectation.

And finally, it is a great pity that we are losing our head of communications who's off to take up a new posting in Brussels (or is it Strasbourg?). She once told me how proud she was about her Mum who was the only person in their street that supported a particular political party and was never afraid to display a lone poster at election time. Indeed, Lambeth is a great exporter of talented players with the House of Commons gaining such distinguished Lambeth alumni as John Major, Sir George Young, Ken Livingstone, Peter Mandelson, and more recently the new MP for Burnley Kitty Ussher. Others have tried and failed, including former Labour leader Jim Dickson who tried to win Ted Heath's old seat in 2001. However, this is the first time we've sent anyone to play for the European Commission. Perhaps a diaspora will follow. For more information go to the Vera Cruz cafe on Brixton Hill where top Labour staff gather daily for a modest cup-a-soup followed by fried liver and bacon enlivened with baked beans.